Jews celebrate festival of Chametz
Political parties win big in Israeli election
New Orleans residents celebrate the month of Adar
Hamas claim Hamentashen stolen from Palestinians in past
Winter Olympics great success for Israel: eight 4th-place finishes and one bronze
Iranians deny existence of nuclear weapons program, holocaust, human rights, etc
Palestinians label Sharon's stroke a "delay tactic" to peace
Sirius listeners expecting Howard Stern get Rabbi Stern
Tu B'Shvat seder plans foiled by Department of Homeland Security
Spielberg's Munich denounced by Germans as "horrible" and "true"
James Bond converting to Judaism; will not use license to kill on Shabbos
World's largest Chanukkiah now visible from space
IDF prepares to use sufganiot on terrorist splinter cells
Retailers hope Christmas fatwa will boost sagging weapon sales
New act of Knesset changes title from "Chaver" to "Ben-Zonah"
Family of Bar Mitzvah boy bombarded with complaints
Google unable to include Talmud Yerushami in Book Search
Vice president Cheney risks seventh heart attack by eating latkes
Bush Rebukes French Government for Parisian Occupation
President of Iran calls for the destruction of Canada
Hanukkah shopping season starts sooner than ever
Grandfather evicted after violating building ordinance
Young boy overturns sculpture garden; parents outraged at clergy
God blames natural disasters on global warming
Satmars unleash Mega-Sukkah! Gerer Ultra-Sukkah falls in combat off Long Island
New Iraqi constitution recognizes Jews as “People of the Book, Kinda, Sorta”
PA and EU condemn Israel for not allowing avian flu to pass freely into Palestinian hands
Chabad shares soar on better than expected contributions
CRC debates OU: Are Blues Brothers really on "Mission from God"?
Al Qaidah vows final revenge on US, sends suicide bomber to blow up the Sun
Parents considering therapy for teen who enjoyed High Holiday services
All 129 Jews evacuated safely from New Orleans
Jonathan Pollard demands release after US Government demonstrates its own incompetence
Palestinians plan circus to mark end of occupation
High Holiday shul list published for 5766 (2005-2006)
Britney Spears to have Bat Mitzvah, Madonna invited
Jewish families forced to choose between Kosher meat and gasoline
Chabad House opens booth outside President Bush's Texas Ranch
Lost tractate of Talmud found; Kollels work furiously to reorganize Daf Yomi schedule
Ariel Sharon auctions off parts of Gaza on Ebay
Editors publicly apologize for NASA comments
Synagogue board members take new Rabbi to Beit Din over pareve cholent
Willy Wonka's Mashgiach fired after officials discovered Oompa Loompa photos on home computer
Conservative Rabbi wins third theological argument in 20 years with Orthodox friend: JTS Plans Massive Celebration
 

Jews celebrate festival of Chametz
MANHATTAN, NY -- May 20th marked the Jewish festival of Chametz, where Jews ceremonially eat leavened bread, using a special prayer known as "the motzi." Rabbi Feyvush Fierstone of the Shammai Center of the University of Chicago said that "this is the time of year when Jews go out of their way to eat bread." The first day of Chametz is often celebrated with Pizza in many homes, but more traditional families will actually make bread, and bring out special dishes and utensils specifically for use with leavened bread.

The origins of the festival are shrouded in ancient history, but clearly this is a holiday that has endured through the centuries. Even unaffiliated Jews still participate in this ancient festival. Eighth grader Shelby Cohen-Whiteman noted "We're like super-Reform, so normally, we're not so big on the Jewish holidays. This year, it was like, we had to do without bread for two whole days because my grandmother came into town for these long boring dinners and mom hid all the bread-which was so random. It was so hard to do without my favorite banana muffins! But now we are making up for it. I've seen a lot of the Jewish kids from my middle school doing the exact same thing." Click here to return to the archived article list

Political parties win big in Israeli election
Aruchat Tzohorayuim: 5 seats
Basar al Ha'eysh: loses two
Al Hakefak: up 20 seats
Oznei Haman: 3 new seats, but lost 10
Palul, Shibim and Lufu parties: No change
Shalechet: no change
Shidur Chai: 1 new seat
Shashtil: 4 new seats
Detzach Adash Beachav: 10 plagues
Chaval al Hazman: 30 seats
Gingim: loss of two seats
Protectzia: all the other seats
Click here to return to the archived article list

New Orleans residents celebrate the month of Adar
NEW ORLEANS, LA -- In the French Quarter of New Orleans, floats featuring traditional Shushan Dancers doing the "Sushan Shuffle" filled the streets for the first time since the devastating impact of hurricane Katrina.  "The Red Cross has left town and the money stopped coming in -- but that's okay, because it's ADAR and we are going to CELEBRATE!" cried Mayor Norman Freshtick.

With Tuesday dawning clear and cool, the city converged in a show of color and Simcha. Floats representing the 8 walled cities of the Persian empire made their way through tourist packed streets, heralding the joyous month. Beads representing Persian queen Vashti's abandoned jewelry were hurled into the crowd, as has been done for generations before. Also included were floats representing the small Catholic community and their pre-Lenten festival of Mardi Gras. "It's great that the whole NOLA community can come together -- Catholic, Jew, Protestant, or tourist." Click here to return to the archived article list

Hamas claim Hamentashen stolen from Palestinians in past
YESHA -- Like the right of return, Hamentashen, and archeology as a whole, Palestinian Scholars are working to prove that the Purim cookie was in fact a Palestinian creation. Professor Badam Halwah of Beer Zit university spoke at a UN panel discussion last week, proposing the notion for the first time. "This delicious food has been taken from a noble celebration of Palestinian independence and usurped for an Israeli so-called holiday that celebrates the destruction of our ancestors. It's a scandal and I want the UN to designate the Hamentashen a fundamental cultural and culinary right of the Palestinian people in perpetuity."

Professor Hawaj ibn Nadir later noted at the conference that "the Zionists have tried to appropriate all of our ideas. The Hamentashen -- or Chamen-tash in Arabic -- is clearly of Palestinian origin." When asked how the Palestinians developed the cookie in a region where apricot jelly did not arrive until the 1900's, ibn Nadir was quick to comment. "No, you see the Zionists stole all the apricots for decades upon decades, until British pressure allowed Palestinians to grow apricots once again. You see, you already support the Zionist myth!" Click here to return to the archived article list

Winter Olympics great success for Israel: eight 4th-place finishes and one bronze
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL -- "With our Technion's engineering department, would've had a winning 2-man luge team," lamented Israeli foreign secretary Udi Neval, "except we don't have any place cold enough to build a track, and no Israeli man wants to sit on Lenny Nisboymel's lap for a whole race in those really homo-erotic racing suits. I mean, you can see a guy's schmeckel in those things." Click here to return to the archived article list

Iranians deny existence of nuclear weapons program, holocaust, human rights and human potential for good
TEHRAN, IRAN -- Mullah Awi of the Iranian Ministry of Fitness and Torturing Dissidents, restated the government position in a newscast on Tuesday. "We are not building nuclear weapons right now, the Holocaust is a myth created by the Zionists to gain sympathy for the creation of a state, nobody has any rights not spelled out in our specific reading of the Holy Quran (not even Sunnis!) and people are scum. Thank you." Click here to return to the archived article list

"A man that fat could have had a stroke anytime," said Nubar Talib, a student at Bier-Ziet University. "He did it now just to spite the cause of peace." Click here to return to the archived article list

Sirius listeners expecting Howard Stern get Rabbi Stern
MANHATTAN, NY -- Due to a technical glitch on Friday, thousands of new Sirius subscribers were unable to tune to the Howard Stern show they were expecting. Rather, they found themselves locked in on the 2-hour lecture of Rabbi Yechezkel Stern of Yeshivas Shpatzir of Jerusalem.

"No offense to the Rabbi or nothing, but I wanted to hear Howard. I'm an Italian from Jersey - the Jewish Talmud just ain't my style."

"OK, so I wanted to hear about lesbians having sex for an hour, sure," said Ralph Tinenburg of Chicago. "But not an hour about how being a lesbian would affect a woman's fitness for marriage to a priest or Levite.  Messechet Sotah just doesn't do it for me." Click here to return to the archived article list

Tu B'Shvat seder plans foiled by Department of Homeland Security
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION -- Jews from all over the United States on Monday received an unwelcome notice in the mail explaining that a shipment from Israel has been confiscated.  "With this many kinds of fruit being brought into the US, we saw a serious risk of a fig incident happening in a major American city," said Bobby Valdone, an anonymous DHS Agent.

"An agent in the CIA noted that many Jews were using the code word RIMON. While the Mossad assures us that the word in this context means 'pomegranate' and not 'grenade', we aren't taking any chances." Click here to return to the archived article list

Spielberg's Munich denounced by Germans as "horrible" and "true"
MUNICH, WEST GERMANY -- Gunter Aibitberg, German film critic for the weekly Der Heissen Gelockten Schwanz, said "The accuracy is horrifically exact, as well as the acting. Some heroic efforts were made by the interior ministry in Berlin -- just as Geoffrey Rush makes a heroic effort to inspire some passion in this story. But it is clear that the German police were as effective at hostage rescue as Eric Bana is at emoting genuine angst."  Click here to return to the archived article list

James Bond converting to Judaism; will not use license to kill on Shabbos
London, UK- James Bond has made a change in his spiritual life that has the whole spy world talking.

"Frankly, I find Jewish men very handsome," said seductive Iranian Agent Sleezi Cheeki. "Their raw evil and good looks are very alluring.

The Mossad is overall pleased. "We want to be sure he's really converted - then we will have him over for a bit of schnapps and assassination work."

James has a heter from the Chief Rabbi of the UK to shtupp as often as he used to, as "his powers of seduction are often key to his defending the United Kingdom." Click here to return to the archived article list

World's largest Chanukkiah now visible from space
HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Not to be outdone by the 73-foot Christmas tree standing in front of Universal Studios, the Hillel House of UCLA has now installed a massive 1,770-foot Chanukkiah in the center of the Hillel courtyard. Rabbi Baruch Gezunt, the Director of UCLA Hillel since 1984, said, "It's a gigantic Pirsuma Nissah, if only people could actually see the lights. Lighting the wicks is another problem; we're using internal robotic arms which, when controlled by a Jew, is Halachically correct."

"It's not that simple to put up a menorah this big, wicks didn't work so we turned to bulbs," said Hillel student treasurer Peter Venkman, a senior in electrical engineering. "To have lights that are visible, we've had to use 3 foot wide bulbs that have a Yterbium-Niobium filament- a prototype from here at UCLA. Within 50 feet of those bulbs, it's brighter than the sun!" There are some downsides to the bulbs, however. "It has led to the injury of local bats and birds, and at night, moths are committing suicide by the hundreds. But that only bothers the Bio majors," noted Mr. Venkman, winking.

Yet still unimpressed, the local Catholic church has bought a 20-mile-wide inflatable Baby Jesus balloon, which will appear in a European Christmas parade on Sunday, December 25th. "Everyone will see this," proclaimed Monsignor Fortissimo Cantabile. "It's going to block out the sun in three different countries."

IDF prepares to use sufganiot on terrorist splinter cells: "Terrorists may be ready for death, but no one can resist a fresh jelly donut"
KFAR SABA, ISRAEL -- Alone in the Situation Room in Kfar Saba's City Hall, three IDF officials are working on ways to disrupt and destroy the terrorist splinter cells that have been infiltrating the village for months. After hours of brainstorming and budgeting, the officials agreed on using sufganiot, or jelly donuts, as a deadly weapon against the terrorists.

The power of these Chanukkah treats was first discovered during an incursion into Beit Reebah. "My squad was helping an ambulance escape from a Hamas group that was shooting from inside a full school," recalled 1st Sgt. Dudu Nestrovsky (Border Patrol, Retired). "One of my guys tried reaching for some stun grenades, but he wound up flinging a box of sufganiot instead. The Hamas guys had been without much food I guess, because they weren't ready for the sugar rush." With a lowered voice, he recalled that "poor bastards got so giddy they took turns shooting each other in the tush." Word of this incident quickly worked its way up the IDF chain of command.

"Terrorists may be ready for death, but no one can resist a fresh jelly donut," said Izzy Gorerri of Herzeliah, an anonymous IDF official. "We Jews have been eating them for years and have developed a resistance to their cholesterol-building, diabetes causing, deadly effects. Our plan is to invite Hamas for a sit-down negotiation, offer super-refined jelly donuts and eat and eat until someone dies. They're not accustomed to slow, heart-clenching death -- only 'blow-me-up' explosive deaths. Man, will this be great." Click here to return to the archived article list

Retailers hope Christmas fatwa will boost sagging weapon sales
JALALA, PA -- Online sales of artillery, munitions, and rocket-propelled grenades have been slowly declining since Thanksgiving, reports Hamasco (NYSE: HSCO, the nation's largest wholesale merchant store for terrorists.  "It seems that credit card sales have been slipping," said Hamasco founder, Ahmed Ishmajamal.  "The merchandise just isn't moving like it should.  We've been trying different marketing campaigns, like 'When you care to bomb the very best' but it's not working.  Oh sure, the xBox's are selling, but killing Zionists in a video game doesn't make you a martyr."

Habib ibn Sallah, a repeat customer of Hamasco, said, "Frankly, budget isn't what is used to be.  There just isn't as much funding.  See that 60-gallon drum of plastique?  I'd love to buy it, but the Iranians have cut my budget.  The detonators?  The Al-Aksa Martyrs bought them all up with United Nation's funding.  And ever since the Saudis dropped the price of oil  who ends up paying for the Iranian's uranium?  The little guys like me!"

Wholesalers like Hamasco are hopeful that a possible fatwa from Tehran against anyone whose name contains a "U" or "S" will blast sales into the black. Said Ishmajamal, "We will once again see our sales climb through the roof; otherwise, a lot people will sadly live through Christmas." Click here to return to the archived article list

New act of Knesset changes title from "Chaver" to "Ben-Zonah"
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL -- In the wake of Ariel Sharon's leaving the Likud party to form the new Kadima party, the remaining members of the Israeli Knesset have voted to change the official titles of members from "Chaver" (meaning "friend" or "member") to "Ben-Zonah" (meaning "son-of-a-whore"). However, they were unable to determine which title to give to female members of Knesset, such as Shulamit Aloni. Proposed titles have included "Zonah," "Yenteh," or "Sweetie-darling."

"It's not like this is a shock to Israelis", quipped BZK Shlomi Bar-Kuppari. "It's what we call each other all the time in this place. I have never used the word Chaver in this building. I'm not sure anyone ever has since Golda Meir died. This is just making the rules match reality."

But the changes don't stop there. At the suggestion of the Arab members of Knesset, a compromise was reached between Likud, Labor and Religious Parties to change the title of Prime Minister from "Rosh Memshalah" (lit. "head of government") to "Yabn El Mara Om Kus We Nus." A vote on nicknames to replace the names of the members is scheduled for next month. Click here to return to the archived article list

Family of Bar Mitzvah boy bombarded with complaints
Miami, FL -- After the recent $500,000 Bat Mitzvah of Sexum Condoms heiress Lisa Purankowsi, all eyes turned to the Strudlemaker's youngest son, Eli. Rumors of the entire cast of "Wicked", a performance from "P-ditty," and a budget of $1.2 million were heard regarding Eli's Bar mitzvah. Instead, his classmates were shocked to arrive at the banquet and find that the party was not only going to be in good taste, but that it was also going to be proceeded by an afternoon spent building homes for the homeless with "Habitat for Humanity."

"Like the food was good, okay. Whatever. But making us go build homes for some sleazy guy who can't take a bath?  That's got nothing to do with the traditions of a Bar Mitzvah," quipped classmates Tiffany Kropatkus and Mercedes Benker. "No party motivators to dance with. No hip-hop stars and no $1,400 doggy bags. This family is so loaded, you would have thought that they could have done something a little more Jewish than those keenishes things and that homeless project."

Some parents were furious. "You would think that as the wealthiest Jewish family in the city, they would have had the decency to outdo the last party," said a mother of one of Eli's classmates. "Instead, to make them go and do petty labor? For the homeless? How dare they do that to my child. You'd think this was an orthodox temple and not a Reform one!"

"Its not like this was his wedding, for God's sake," said proud father Mr. Aaron Strudlemaker. "That's when the tradition allows you to spend cash like there's no tomorrow. My kid's going to marry within the faith -- He said so in shul . . . but I guess if the Purnakowski's daughter isn't going to have a Jewish wedding, it's okay for them to spend enough cash on her 13th birthday party to rebuild a third of New Orleans. They certainly won't be spending it on the bris of a grandson if she marries that Lutheran boyfriend of hers." Click here to return to the archived article list

Google unable to include Talmud Yerushami in Book Search
SILICON VALLEY, CA -- Despite 5,000 server computers running with the latest Intel E6 Super Pentium chips, Google just can't translate Talmud Yerushami into English and include it in the massive Book Search program. "Look, it's either Talmud Yerushami or all Japanese Literature from the time of their first emperor until the present day," said Google Operations Director Hector Gributly. "Frankly, it's easier to work with the 'Tale of Genji' than the Yerushami."

Google is receiving some criticism on the issue. "What are our grad students in Talmud supposed to get tested on? Eruvin?" exclaimed Dr. John Hurffman of the Jewish Theological Seminary. "Yerushami is the real nut buster for these Ph.D. candidates, let me tell you. So how can we test them without a translation?"

Others are not upset at all. "We Sephardim can actually hack the Yerushami. It's one of the simanim that we are right and the Ashkenazim are dumb," quipped Uriel Azulai, Chief Sephardic Rabbi of Iowa. "Why should they get to learn this stuff in translation when we have to learn an entirely separate dialect of Aramaic?" Gerer Hasidim are annoyed, as well. "We can't use computers, of course, since they are banned," noted Moishe Kreplacher, a Gerer from Jerusalem. "But that being said, Google should just leave the Yerushami for those Jews whose leaders have the Das Toyreh it takes to figure out what the hell the thing is saying."

Most excited about the decision is Artscroll Publishers. The ultra-Orthodox publishing house was having trouble finding new backers for books after the huge success of their translation of the Babylonian Talmud. "Thankfully, we can now go ahead with our own translation of the Yerushami, which should help us get the donations of thousands of Jews -- especially when we tell them that Conservative Jews may have a translation printed if we don't get our Torah-true version out soon," said Artscroll PR rep Chanie Blumposker. "If Google went ahead and translated the Yerushami, we would have to get to work on Midrash -- and with Midrash there isn't always Rashi to tell us what the words really mean. " Click here to return to the archived article list

Vice president Cheney risks seventh heart attack by eating latkes
Bevesda, MD -- The Vice President's personal physician said that if VP Dick Cheney attempts to beat his Latke-eating record at the upcoming White House Hanukkah Photo session, it will trigger a seventh heart attack. "It's not just the fried food, mind you. It's the huge dollops of sour cream the man uses," noted Dr. Alex Momenschantz. "His arteries are already as crowded as Times Square on New Year's Eve -- one more massive infusion of saturated fat and we are talking the mother of all angioplasties."

Last year saw the VP down 17 plate-sized latkes; 10 regular, 3 cauliflower-zucchini, 3 sweet potato, and one Peruvian blue potato latke with cilantro infused sour cream. The secret service was obviously upset, and some of the protection detail were considering removing the VP by force, "but then, thank God, somebody in congress mentioned creating a benefit for the poor, at which Mr Cheney stopped eating and proceeded to wreck the Congressperson's career," quipped a Secret Service officer.

Meanwhile, pundits everywhere are looking forward to the White House's annual Christmahanukwanzukah dinner. President Bush refuses to commit to applesauce or sour cream at this time, but the president will have to make a commitment after last year's ketchup and mayonnaise blunder. "I will announce my choice of Lat-ke condiment at the dinner," quipped the President. "Until then, have a very happy chanu-chan. Ukah. Hanu. Kauhan. Menorah Day." Click here to return to the archived article list

Bush Rebukes French Government for Parisian Occupation
PARIS, FRANCE -- While thousands of North African Immigrant non-Christian youths violently demonstrate their right to exist, President Bush is calling on the UN Security Council to denounce the French police for their show of force and repression of human rights.  Bush has now petitioned French President Jacques Chirac to end the occupation of France.

President Bush was unfazed by the increasing violence.  "I propose a road map to a two-state solution, existing side by side in peace and security.  The occupation must end if there is to be peace," said President Bush in a press conference. "These immigrants have as much right to live in their own country here in Paris as the French have the right to live in other places." Click here to return to the archived article list

President of Iran calls for the destruction of Canada
SHIRAZ, IRAN -- President Mahmoud Ahmadi-Nejad called for the destruction of Canada, Luxembourg, Bhutan, and Iceland this week, adding to the list of countries he feels contributes nothing to the global community. Last week, President Ahmadi-Nejad publicly declared Israel "fit for destruction" at the 83rd Annual World Without Zionism dinner.  "While I'm at it, here are some other places I feel don't deserve to share the globe with us," said Ahmadi-Nejad.  "Canada, for having freedom for women, strange hats, hockey as a national sport -- and harboring Zionists.  Bhutan, for the crime of being in a part of the world we usually ignore -- and harboring Zionists.  Iceland, for having a capital city nobody can pronounce -- and harboring frozen Zionists.  As for Israel, we will turn our plowshares into swords and drive Israel into the sea."

However, now that Israel has withdrawn from the Gaza Strip, driving Israel into the sea has become a more difficult challenge. This would leave the Gaza as a peninsula and the West Bank would be downgraded to the smallest Middle East country.  Transportation between Jordan and Egypt would become inconvenient, and all it would take is a small nuclear bomb to separate Africa from Asia.  Furthermore, all fresh water from the Kineret would blend into the Mediterranean, leaving the region without water and forcing the surrounding countries to fight over fresh fish.

Paul Martin, the Prime Minister of Canada, couldn't be reached for comment, but his office released a statement condemning the "Iranian bastards who wouldn't know their ass from their holes" (Translated from French, some words may have been lost in translation). Click here to return to the archived article list

Hanukkah shopping season starts earlier than ever
Haifa, Israel -- The silver, blue and white of Hanukkah are everywhere, even though most people still haven’t taken down their Sukkoth yet. Why is this happening? A new push by retailers to expand that vital Hanukah shopping season.

Grandfather evicted after violating building ordinance
Flatbush, NY -- Hyman Hershkoff, builder of the famous “House on the Roof,” has been evicted from his Flatbush apartment in New York. His charming rooftop hut, a “sukkah” built for his grandchildren in honor of the Jewish holiday of the same name, was built every year with old boards, crates, and recycled materials of all sorts.

Young boy overturns sculpture garden; parents outraged at clergy
Haran, PA --  Famed idol trader Stanley “Terach” Mortenson arrived home last week to find his backyard collection of ancient Sumerian, Canaanite, and Indus valley deities had been smashed to little bits by his 9-year-old son, Abe. “Some of these are priceless. I had spent hours with them, making sure they were lovingly restored to their original glory, even using gold leaf and gems to adorn them. Who would show such disrespect the to the gods of great civilizations? Who could be so inconsiderate of their feelings?”

LONDON, ENGLAND - With the recent string of natural disasters in the U.S. and Asia, many religious groups are quick to assign blame. These groups have blamed the victims for defying the word of God regarding issues such as abortion, homosexuality, or eating shrimp. The victims, however, point the proverbial finger at God for the destruction.

But in a recent AP wire, God Himself has rejected any notion that He was in any way responsible. “Clearly, we are seeing the effects of global warming on a, well, global scale,” God announced. “I haven’t erupted a volcano in a long while and with the rising costs of gasoline, people are driving less. The problem must be the fossil fuels you are burning. You really should try switching from bituminous coal to tetrahydroclastiapyrosceneticbonetigamedideuterium, or H3OC34-C339-FHClMgH3 for short,” God said. “It’s quite obviously the only fuel that will burn clean in the place of coal and the same time patch the hole in the ozone layer and leave a fresh floral scent.  You can get it from desert shrubs, like the one I used for the burning bush. Didn't appear to Moses in a charcoal briquette or uranium-235 now, did I?”

While H3OC34-C339-FHClMgH3 hasn’t technically been developed yet, Some scientists think the idea is worth looking into. However, many have reservations. “Of course we have the real-time modeling capability for complex molecules” said Dr. Gerhold Shteinfuntz of the Beckman Institute of Urbana, IL. “The real problem is that if this fuel works, scientists would have to admit to the chance that God exists, and that is impossible.” “I promised I would never destroy the world by flood," God noted. “You folks want to try it yourself by poisoning the atmosphere and screwing up my perfectly balanced deep ocean currents, well, you go right ahead and watch what happens.”  God wasn't available for further comment. Click here to return to the archived article list

New Iraqi constitution recognizes Jews as “People of the Book, Kinda, Sorta”
BAGHDAD, IRAQ - While it's been nearly 54 years since the forced exodus of Jews out of Iraq, there are those who are considering returning now that a new Baghdad is emerging. And although there are only a handful of Jews left (four, to be exact) in Baghdad, the parliament is being pressured by President Bush to acknowledge the Jewish presence in Iraq.

PA and EU condemn Israel for not allowing avian flu to pass freely into Palestinian hands
GAZA CITY, GAZA - Mohammed Abbas and Kofi Anan have issued a joint statement blaming Israel for denying “the right of the Palestinian people to gain access to this worldwide phenomena. “We deserve – we demand the same tainted birds as the rest of the world,” quipped Abbas. “The Zionists refuse to give their victims this natural resource.” Israelis are really confused over these efforts. Dr. Meir Meuchari, Head of the Israeli Department of Disease Control, said “we have an experimental inoculation to protect against the virus that we have tested on our own children -- it seems safe. When we offered it to the PA, they refused and said it was another Zionist plot to harvest Palestinian children’s eyeballs! At least, that's what I think he said, maybe my Arabic is getting really rusty." Click here to return to the archived article list

Chabad shares soar on better than expected contributions
KFAR CHABAD, ISRAEL -- Shares of Chabad International, NFP rose 15% to $77.04 per share on news that contributions quadrupled over the High Holiday season.  News of the increase reached Kfar Chabad in Israel where hundreds of Lubavitchers were dancing in the streets and synagogues.

"This year we used a different fundraising strategy," said Rabbi Mordechai Blufenmeir. "For a $10,000 pledge or higher, we promised not to nag them for anything until next Yom Kippur. No mail, no calls,  no mitzvah tanks,  gornisht. It seemed to have worked pretty well."

Chabad International is the parent company of Lubavitch Chabad, Cheder Lubavitch, Lubavitch Relief Worldwide, and We Want Moshiach Yetz.  Click here to return to the archived article list

CRC debates OU: Are Blues Brothers really on "Mission from God"?
NEW YORK, NY -- Members of the Chicago Rabbinical Council stormed into New York offices of the OU in a bitter debate over the halachic status of Jake and Elwood Blues and their efforts to save an orphanage in Calumet City, IL.

As a New York organization, the OU is dismissive of all things "Chicago."  One OU official was quoted as saying, "We know Malachi was the last prophet, but even if he wasn't, we know God doesn't care about Chicagoans."

The cRc has responded by using the Bible Codes to prove that Chicago is indeed in the Torah, specifically, in Exodus 21:20.  The cRc has also quoted Rambam to show that not only can prophect still be attained, but also driving on lower Wacker at 100 miles can only be accomplished with Ruach HaKodesh.  "Not to mention they're trying to save an orphanage, and Hashem protects orphans, unlike New Yorkers who sell them," said Rabbi Shlivovitz.

While the Blues Brothers themselves are Catholic, many members of their band are Jewish, most notably, Alan "Mr. Fabulous" Rubin, who has since started his own band performing at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

The OU are proud sponsors of this website, www.Hole in the Sheet (HoleInTheSheet.Org). Click here to return to the archived article list

Al Qaidah vows final revenge on US, sends suicide bomber to blow up the Sun
TORA BORA, AFGHANISTAN -- On a recently released video tape, Third-in-Command Musa ibn Hadjwa ibn Finjan proclaimed Al Qaidah would be triumphant. “All those enemies of Islam depend on the sun. By destroying it, we shall protect the honor of all Muslims everywhere.” While destroying the sun would eradicate all life on earth, along with the whole planet itself, ibn Finjan stated that “the whole planet is ready to be martyrs.”

An analyst at the NSA has revealed that while Al Qaidah may have the ability to launch a rocket into a low orbit, it is unlikely that they could get a payload to the sun, as the intense heat would burn up anything close enough. “Let’s not tell them that, though,” said the source, who asked to remain anonymous. “Let them keep trying. If enough of them go, we don’t have to fight them anymore.” Click here to return to the archived article list

Parents considering therapy for teen who enjoyed High Holiday services
SAN BERNADINO, CA -- Kyle Brunnerman's parents are ready to send him back to therapy because they are scared.  "He actually listened to the Rabbi's sermon.  The whole sermon!  That's 40 minutes," said Kyle's mother, Linda.  Father, Bruce Brunnerman, has added, "I'm very uncomfortable with this whole 'faith' thing, to begin with. I'd feel much better if he would talk to Dr. Azari before he does anything 'too Jewish'."

Kyle, a sophomore at San Bernadino High School West, has allegedly been energized with a new outlook on life after accidentally paying attention to the Rabbi's high holiday sermon.  "I plan on recycling, learning a bit more Hebrew, not doing my homework on Shabbat...oh, and totally cutting out the pork" said Kyle (shown in picture).  Rabbi Zachary Yogel commented, "I saw him sitting there the whole time, I thought it had to be a dare or something.  Never had a teenager pay attention before.  He'll be fine." Click here to return to the archived article list

All 129 Jews evacuated safely from New Orleans
NOLA -- After weeks of tracking down every last Jewish resident of New Orleans, the Jerusalem Post has reported that all 129 Jews, representing fifteen families, have been evacuated safely.

"We'd never thought we'd make it," said Ezra Tannenbaum, a New Orleans resident since the age of three, "we had to live off our frozen hot dogs, Manischewitz grape juice and Mishpacha beans.  The Red Cross finally showed up with some fresh knishes."

The Jewish Federation of Greater Louisiana (JFGL.org) said it will support the fifteen Jewish families throughout the rebuilding process, but it won't subsidize any more day school tuition. Click here to return to the archived article list

Jonathan Pollard demands release after US Government demonstrates its own incompetence
BUTNER, NC - After 39 years in a maximum-security prison for proactively providing Israel non-confidential information about the Arab region's nuclear, chemical, and biological warfare capabilities, Jonathan Pollard held a press conference and called for the resignation of every Bush cabinet member, including President Bush himself, which would leave the White House completely empty for the first time in 90 years.

Using a Kal Vechomer and other Talmudic derivative laws, he proved that if the government could carelessly allow thousands of its own citizens to die and muck up their own country so badly with information provided to them by their own people and still walk around free men, then surely he should be released for giving helpful information to our ally which saved hundreds, perhaps thousands, of lives.

"September 11th was a big wake-up call for America, and Hurricane Katrina a follow-up" said Pollard.  "Can you imagine if a US citizen warned Bush ahead of time that terrorists would attack, or a hurricane will destroy New Orleans?  Helpful, right?  Na, instead let's jail him for life and label him a traitor."

HITS editors tried to contact the Bush Administration for comment, but nobody would take us seriously.  The Knesset, however, declined to comment, stating, "We refuse to comment on any topic which may cripple the popularity of the Prime Minister." Click here to return to the archived article list

Palestinians plan circus to mark end of occupation
GAZA CITY, GAZA - A family-style circus has been planned by the Palestinian Authority to celebrate the end of Israeli occupation in Gaza.  Militants jumping through rings of fire (as shown), elephants walking on land mines, and audience rounds of Russian roulette are just some of the activities planned.  Children will be given bomb kits as a door prize.

The circus will take place at Arafat's satellite grave in Gaza City, Gaza.  His corpse will be on display just in case anyone thinks he's not really dead.

In an unrelated story, Israeli cabinet members decided not to destroy the remaining synagogues in the Jewish settlements, which were evacuated this last month, explaining that the Palestinians had many more years of experience destroying Jewish property. Click here to return to the archived article list

High Holiday shul list published for 5766 (2005-2006)
Hole in the Sheet (HoleInTheSheet.Org) does not endorse any of these congregations, and makes no effort to check their affiliations or standings.

Anshe Yirah U'pachad
Frighteningly good high holiday services.
C. Vlad Dracula, Cantor. Amen Hoteps Mummy, Rabbi.
All Blood types wanted.
Try our Franken-Stein religious school! So unique its downright Scary!
The Bronx, NY
Phone: (212)-555-8777

Temple Murray Jacobs
A Reform temple for Murray and his friends.
President: Murray Jacobs
Vice-President: Sheldon Harg
Secretary: Murray Jacobs
Treasurer: Arnie Jacobs
Cantor: Sally Jacobs-Litwash (Murray's Daughter)
Friends of Murray should call his house for info.

Progressive Reform Temple of Nantucket will be closed on all Jewish holidays, as usual.

Beit Sha'hachnu
Wait, what is this ad for? When are services? Who are you?
55 Forgetful Falls
Farbisseneh, CA

Congregation Adas Yehudah Anshe Torah Sha'arei Chesed Yiras Cheyt Shomrim Laboker Chevreh Tzedakah Beis Moshe Nusach Ari Haskamah Minyan
Our name is long, but our services are really quick.
7880 Nice Place Highway Ave.
Ventura, FL

The Fiduciary Synagogue
A truly conservative house of God. Invested wisely in Jewish learning and a selection of high-end NASDAQ best bets. Don't miss Rabbi Greenspan's Yom Kippur Sermon- "Repentance from bad deeds and bad investments: your 5756 guide." Invest your high holidays with us!

Kehilah Ke'ilu
Inexpensive dues, great classes, good services, Hebrew school that kids like, a pleasant governing board, a wise rabbi, a cantor who knows when to cut it short, tasty food under patient supervision, and a president who is learned and free of ambition. Interested? So are we. Paradox NY
877-JEW-HELP

Merkaz Hakidush
Kiddish club meetings every 15 minutes- even during rabbi's shiur and torah reading! You won't mind our longer services, trust us. Click here to return to the archived article list

Britney Spears to have Bat Mitzvah, Madonna invited
HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Britney Spears is looking for a Bat Mitzvah party with all the trimmings.  “The Kabbalah Center says that the party is the most important part of the Bat Mitzvah, and I don’t want to miss any of it.”  Guests are rumored to include Justin Timberlake, the Entire cast of the WB’s “One Tree Hill,” and of course, Fivel Berg of the Kabbalah center.

Jewish families forced to choose between Kosher meat and gasoline
POTTSVILLE, PA - With the skyrocketing costs of gasoline, Jewish families throughout the country are having to make tough decisions about buying Kosher meat.

While gasoline prices have recently soared to over $3.05 per gallon, Jewish consumers have been spending and average of $6.45 per pound on Kosher meats, such as London broil and ground beef.

"My cholents haven't tasted the same since I replaced the stew meat with hot dogs. I have no choice, it's just cheaper this way," said Shayna Pfisterson of Pottsville, PA.  "Ya know, Jews are accused of being cheap, but when it costs $45 at the gas station, I don't see the goyim rushing to spend their money, either.  Besides, we have tuition to pay."

Until gas prices come down, most Jewish mothers we've interviewed said they'll have to serve fish or chicken, maybe tacos, until gas prices ease a bit.  Two things are for certain: the cost of Kosher meat isn't going down, and Jews aren't going on a diet anytime soon. Click here to return to the archived article list

Chabad House opens booth outside President Bush's Texas Ranch
TEXAS -- In response to comments made by Cindy Sheehan blaming Israel for her son's death in Iraq, the local Chabad house has opened an "Ask the Rabbi" stand where anti-war protestors can read Jewish materials and daven minchah.

Rabbi Levi Mishigist of the Texas Chabad House has opened a booth outside President Bush's Texas ranch so anti-war protestors can learn about Judaism and even daven with a minyan.

"It's a shame that Mrs. Sheehan feels so negatively against Israel. We were planning on pitting her outside Sharon's house to protest against the disengagement plan," said Mishigist.

In other news, CNN cameraman Burt Johnson discovered this week that he was in fact Jewish and he put on Tefillin for the first time with Rabbi Mishigist.

Cindy Sheehan's husband has since divorced her and she is now dating producer Michael Moore. Click here to return to the archived article list

Mammelstein, who is researching the translation of Rambam's Guide for the Perplexed into Latin ("Arbor Vitae") , had been at the Vatican on a 4 day pass in the Vatican Archives of "Prehende Uxorem Meam, Sis" when he found the large bin of discarded books.

"We are concerned that this will spark a violent riot.  On the other hand, we stand to make a considerable commission" Ebay officials commented.  Although land has been sold on Ebay in the past, a piece of the Holy Land is usually distributed by biblical, political or theological means.

So far the highest bidder is Prince Walid Salim ibn Farhad ibn Masmud of Saudi Arabia (Ebay member name: goatlover) at $9,038,122.  The next highest bidder is Dudu Shimurim of Kfar Saba (Ebay member name: eretzsheli) at $7,826,405.  "It could be an all out bidding war, no pun intended, and the winner takes all, fair and square."

Price Walid Salim could not be reached for comment, but his spokesperson said that if he does not win the auction, he will appeal, and if that doesn't work, he will just blow up, literally.

Meanwhile, Israeli residents are preparing to hold elections to replace Ariel Sharon, who has taken his political power too far. "This isn't the first time he's abused his power. Let's not forget about renting advertising space on the Western Wall," said David Galit, a family man who lives just outside Eilat. "I mean, what's next? Auction our seat at the U.N.?!"

The auction will end on August 23rd.  Residents are encourage to pack up and move out in the event that Prince Salim wins the auction and evicts all Jewish residents. Click here to return to the archived article list

Synagogue board members take new Rabbi to Beit Din over pareve cholent
SKOKIE, IL -- Ever since the new Rabbi hit town, there have been big changes at Skokie's Congegation Or Kesef. Many of them have been approved by all congregants, including the washing station for duchaning, the shomer-shabbes candy machine, the heated seats for senior citizens. A few have been controversial, including women scholars giving divrei torah on Shabbat and the NCSY paintball tournament. But when Rabbi Jeff Oygevalt banned fleschig cholent, the board hit the ceiling.

Conservative Rabbi wins third theological argument in 20 years with Orthodox friend: JTS Plans Massive Celebration
BROOKLYN, NY -- Marc Zissen-Pesach, of Shrewsbury, CN, has been friends with Jerry Forshpise for over 22 years, but Saturday, August 13th was a rare "three-peat" for both men. "Marc and I have been at each other's Shabbos tables since I moved here in '89," said Jerry. "Our debates have been always been spirited, and they are part of our friendship. Especially since I'm always right. Well, almost always."

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