In a nutshell

BERESHIT: God creates world, God creates man, man destroys man, God gets angry. Coming next week: God destroys man

NOACH: Noah builds 24-hr zoo, World Version 1 destroyed, People build tower to wage war on God, World Version 2 dispersed. Coming next week: 99-year-old man cuts off foreskin

LECH LECHA: Famine, Egypt, Pharoah, plagues, covenant, name changes, bris milah: Isn't this all in Exodus, too? Coming next week: No peeking! Lot's wife pillar of salt

VAYERA: 99-year-old circumcises himself thus becoming the first Jew, and wasting no time, haggles with God over Sodomites' fate.  Oh yeah, and Abraham tried to slaughter Isaac. Coming next week: Women's Lib movement begins when Rebecca is asked for her consent to be married off

CHAYE SARAH: Did you know Isaac had seven brothers?! A gift for you, gift for you, gift for you, but for you, Isaac, the entire Judaic dynasty complete with the ability to change the course of the world. Coming next week: Struggle and deception; the origins of the Jewish people

TOLDOS: Sibling rivalry leads to parent favoritism, which leads to deceit and entire dynasties of struggle, hatred and death. Coming next week: A happy ending--why have one wife when you can marry two for twice the price?

VAYETZE: Angels up, angels down, Jacob lives with Lavan, New math: 7+7+4=12.  Coming next week: I lived with Lavan, bring...it...on

VAYISHLACH: Yaakov meets up with Eisav peacefully but still gets into a fight with an angel. Goodbye filet minion, hello Israel! Coming next week: Next week's Parshah

VAYESHEV: Joseph in jail, Tamar in jail, Shimon in jail, Binyomin in jail. Coming next week: Cows eating each other leads to Joseph as viceroy, no joke

MIKETZ:  Joseph out of jail, brothers back in jail.  Benching includes Chanukkah, Rosh Chodesh, and Shabbos?! Coming next week: I'm Joseph.  No really, I am.  Aw, come on fellas, it's me!

VAYIGASH: Joseph reveals himself, brothers in shock, Jacob revived, Joseph starts first land-for-food program. Coming next week: Blessed are all the tribes, except that Shimon and Levi, boy, look out!

VAYECHI: Jacob dies, embalmed, buried in Canaan.  Josef dies, embalmed, buried in Egypt.  Separated even in death.  Coming next week: New Pharaoh, new  rules.

SHEMOT: Pharaoh's daughter starts first Nile adoption agency, gets quite the special delivery.  Meanwhile, labor and brutal slavery continue throughout Egypt. Coming next week: Seven plaques later, Pharaoh still doesn't "get it"

VAERA: Commonly confused with Vayera in Genesis, but Abraham isn't around to save Pharaoh this time.  Seven plagues later, Israel can go. Stay. Go. Stay. Coming next week: Last 3 plagues, Israel can go.  Stay.  Go.  Come back!

BO: Jewish people leave Egypt after Egyptians are battered and fried.  Jews still complaining.  Coming next week: Pharaoh realizes it wasn't just going to be a three day trip, a three day trip.

BESHALACH: Pharaoh chases Jewish people -- Jews complain.  God opens Red Sea -- Jews complain.  God sends down miraculous bread -- Jews complain.  God turns bitter water into sweet water -- Jews complain.  God sends Amalek who attacks the Jews -- Jews stop complaining.  Coming next week: God lays down some house rules.

YITRO: Moshe's father-in-law gives advice then leaves the scene before the greatest event in mankind (now available in paperback for $24). Coming next week: Ten commandments were just the beginning, here come 603 more laws.

MISHPATIM:  Proving once again, there's no such thing as a free lunch, especially in the desert.  Coming next week: God has a better plan for the gold taken out of Egypt.

TERUMAH: Jews contribute to pledge drive without a choice of mug or tote bag.  Coming next week: Fashion tips for the high priest.

TETZAVEH:  Aaron complains of heavy garments, God illuminates Urim V'tumim with "stop complaining."  Coming next week: Jews worship gold.

KI TISA: Just a regular day at the office: contributions, idolatry, perversion, revelation, wrath of God.  Coming next week: Moses commands the Jewish people regarding the Shabbat and eating of knishes

VAYAKHEL: Moses: "Keep Shabbat" and more donations to the Mishkan.

PEKUDEI: Mishkan done, Jews take the weekend off.

VAYIKRA IN A NUTSHELL:

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