Hole In The Sheet - Halachot and Jewish Law

HALACHA CORNER
An arrangement of Halachot based on the works of the San Andreas Rebbe, Reb Svika Lister Een, the Kol Sla"w

HILCHOS HaKAYITZ -- LAWS OF THE SUMMER

Hilchois Ha’choif: Laws of the Beach

It is ASUR D’ORAITAH for a Jew to go to the beach. Ever. Never, ever, ever, ever.

This is according to the majority of poskim that we chose to ask. A beach is a forbidden place because:

1. It is a place of Moshav Leytzim: Teachers, businessmen, and young people sit around instead of studying Torah, and it is of course impossible to study torah outdoors (See Pri Eytz Asur, 43d)

2. Swimming is Assur D’oriatah due to the danger of drowning (See the B”um’s read on Rashi’s comments on Sotah 34a)

3. It is a place of Avodah Zarah: a beach is by definition a place of worshipping the Sun, and therefore a Jew may not set foot on such a place.

4. The beach is a Sakanah Lechayim -- exposure to the sun can cause cancer.

5. Sand Castles teach children to become worshippers of the idols they make out of sand.

6. Even though none of the authors of this work have ever been there, we all know a beach is a place of rampant immodesty; and we receive regular reports of orgys and forbidden sexual practices from Jews who “just happened to have walked by a beach.”

For those who follow the other opinions, those that are a minority in this case (Sepahrdim, Yekkim, Teymanim, Latvians, Reform, Kurdistanis, Conservatives, Usbekistanis, Moroccans, Jews from Iran or Iraq, Ethoipains and Canadians) the Halachot are as follows:

A) Where to put one’s blanket down: One may not select a place too far from the car, nor may it be too close to the water. One is obligated to go too close to the water and proclaim it to be so, and then go too far back towards the car. Only after these two, representative of Har Grezim and Har Eysav, may one select a middle place, as dictated by Rambam.

B) One is obligated to pronounce the water too cold to wade or swim in (See Shulchan Lo Aruch, B.Z., for exceptions). This custom is in memory of Nachshon Ben Aminadav’s little brother Melvin, who put one toe in the water and said “It’s sooo cold! OY! We will all get asthma attacks if this water even splashes on us.” This of course prompted Nachson to wade into the Yam Suf, and proclaim “Nah, you little pisher, the water’s fine! (Baba Maiseh, 71a).” This rare optimism and kavanah prompted Hakadosh Baruch Hu to split the sea at that moment.

C) It is an act of piety for children to build a castle of sand, and should a parent help their child, Harey Zeh Meshubach, this is praiseworthy. According to the Ba’al Bedichot (1753-1848) we base this practice on the verse it is written “For I have built for thee.” The Shtickl Drech, Rav Idono Hu’aiyam, says this guides us all in the building of the third Bes Hamikdash.
The castle must be at least one Amah high, at least two amot wide, and have a trench where you can pour water to give the castle a proper moat. Look, it’s just not a castle without a moat. A moat is required, as it is said “and I will encircle your borders with precious stones…” A tower is a really good thing too -- that’s where kings and princesses go.

D) Upon Leaving the beach, one should recite the following brachot:
“hatov umetiv,” “shechechiyanu,” “Borei Nefashot Rabot” for those who ate sand (even accidentally) and “Asher Yatzar “ for those who peed in the lake -- you know who you are.
One should also recite the Aramaic Pledge “Ha Aphra Asura (Don’t get any sand inside the car).” If one has been at a nude beach, he should recite, “Bore Minay Mi Zonot”
If one has been at a nude beach for senior citizens, one should recite “She’natata li Therapy.”

Laws of picnic

All picnicking is allowed as long as long as each meal is complemented by Torah study. Exempt from this are parents of toddlers, for such parents are never able to sit down long enough to read as much as a pasuk.

He who buys an Igloo is to be praised, but a generic cooler, such as one made from foam, is assur, this according to the Ru”sh (Rabbenu Geddylee) on Hilchos Kayitz.

Cold Cuts are permitted, as are salads with mayonnaise, but cold cuts and mayonnaise are equivalent of Shatnetz (See Kitzur Shulchan Meluchlach, 146:4)

One should not bring cholent to a picnic, lest bandits attack, and you will be unable to rise and defend yourself.

Ants -- ants are a blessing, as it says “learn from the ant to be wise.” (Mishlei 6:6)

Wasps -- Wasps should be greeted eagerly for the sake of peace. Offer them a peice of chicken, maybe. Oh, wait- stinging insects- these you should be prepared for with traps, repellent, and epi-pens.

Torah Question of the month

Mrs. Rivkee–Devoree Putternosher of Queens asks: “I have always wondered what the halachic status of the Fourth of July is for Torah Jews. So is it Forbidden or Permitted?”

Answer: “The Fourth of July is a pagan orgy to be shunned,” says Reb Blindedrzon of Bies Chumrah. “To be involved is strictly forbidden. The works of fire such as fireworks and “barbeque” and the searing of forbidden meats over the coals are no different than worshipping Molech. Furthermore, the Gemorah in Avodah Zarah forbids Jewish participation in the pagan holidays of the King’s birthdays as well as the Calendera -- both of which are compiled into one day here in this portion of Galut.”

Halachot Archive