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Horoscopes for the
month of Tamuz
Position your mouse over each
astrological icon to view a description
Click on any astrological icon to see famous people born during that sign
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Aries
(March 21 - April 20):
The stunning miracle of understanding the language of the birds will turn out to be a mixed gift- you’ll hear tons of gossip going around the world, but most of it is about your family for some reason. With Venus retrograde, now is the time to consider spending more time outside, under an ascendant Jupiter. Besides, you’re paler than a high school age Goth kid. Get some sun, for God’s sake.
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Taurus
(April 21 - May 21):
Cherries are in season this month, but eating them by the kilogram is going to get you right back in the emergency room unless you learn to spit out the pits.
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Gemini
(May 22 - June 21):
You wanted only one more child but instead gave birth to twins, now all your friends are thinking twice before conceiving. Isn't it time you considered a vow of celebacy?
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Cancer
(June 22 - July 23):
Focus on finance this month -- try robbing a bank, embezzlement, or fraud. Better yet, open up a nursing home- it's like doing all three.
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Leo
(July 24 - August 23):
This month, avoid Rabbis, Ministers and other clerics. And florists. And Taxicab drivers. And dermatologists. Also avoid civil war re-enactors, guys who wear ju-jitsu t-shirts, women named Velma, anyone who uses the word "shikse" to refer to themselves, cops named Hector, Steam-Roller operators, Alderman and city councilors, anyone in a reflective orange vest, Vegans, Porn Merchants, professional Dog groomers, Star Wars fanatics, people with allergies to cashews, fans of Andrew Loyd Webber, anyone who eats Wonder bread, people who eat alligator meat for the taste, Dr. Barry Goldstein of Teaneck NJ, and anyone who claims to know Yiddish but only uses one word: Schvartze.
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Virgo
(August 24 - September 23):
With Mars retrograde and Arcturus ascendant, be sure to go “Western” this month. Watch “Rio Bravo,” “High Plains Drifter” and “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.” Buy a real cowboy hat and boots. Learn to ride a horse, use a lasso, and shoot a Winchester rifle. Learn to make real Chili. Be as authentically Western as you like, but please stop short of being cruel to Native Americans and Chinese immigrants- ‘cause then the Sheriff is gonna shoot you.
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Libra
(September 24 - October 23):
We warned you about this, Jake, but if you leave another one of your cigarette butts in a bowl of Mom’s fruit salad, we are going to kill you. Slowly.
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Melvin
(November 12, 1966):
She’s not calling back. Enough with the flowers -- she’s filled her backyard with them already. Just let Aunt Myrna set you up with her hairdresser’s sister and be done with it. Just keep repeating to yourself “at least I’m not in Columbus. At least I’m not in Columbus. At least I’m not in Columbus. …” If you wind up in Columbus, you’re done for.
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Scorpio
(October 24 - November 22):
Deploy heavy cavalry along the northern flank, while your artillery softens the western cope. Let infantry follow along with armor and air-support. Recon units should be used only along the incursion route. Bring ice cream for 60,000.
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Sagittarius
(November 23 - December 21):
This month, embrace Rabbis, Ministers and other clerics. And Florists. And Taxicab drivers. And Dermatologists. Also get close with civil war re-enactors, guys who wear ju-jitsu t-shirts, women named Velma, anyone who uses the word” shikse” to refer to themselves, cops named Hector, Steam-Roller operators, Alderman and city councilors, anyone in a reflective orange vest, Vegans, Porn Merchants, professional Dog groomers, Star Wars fanatics, people with allergies to cashews, fans of Andrew Loyd Webber, anyone who eats Wonder bread, people who eat alligator meat for the taste, Dr. Barry Goldstein of Teaneck NJ and guys who put down wooden flooring. Still avoid anyone who claims to know Yiddish but only uses one word: Schvartze.
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Capricorn
(December 22 - January 20):
Water is your element. Try sailing, swimming, kayaking, tubing -- you’ll get an almost spiritual rush from these or a trip to a waterpark. Just don’t pee in the water, or you will suddenly lose the ability to control your bowels any time someone uses the word “prestidigitation.”
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Aquarius
(January 21 - February 19):
This is no longer the dawning of the age of Aquarius, so for God’s sake, act like a grown-up and take off the freaking tie-dye shirts already.
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Pisces
(February 20 - March 20):
Summer is short, so do meaningful things. Try to complete three of those big tasks you have on the list on the fridge. Videotape your neighbor’s weird midnight dances. Bribe a cop. Walk naked into shul. Dress up as an archbishop. (No, we mean this list, not the other one that says “clean up crawlspace”)
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