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 ASK
THE REBBETZIN
Real letters/emails sent to the saintly
Rebbetzin Sarah Bracha Fruma
Dear Rebbetzin Fruma:
I have a crush on my Rabbi's wife. She even gives me the eyes sometimes?
Should I ask her for a night out? I can't resist she is hot as hell!!!
--David
Dear David:
Hot as Hell is appropriate because temptation will land you in Gehenna!
On the other hand, if she is giving you "the eye" and it's not the "evil
eye" perhaps you should give the Rabbi's wife what she really wants -- a
donation to the sisterhood.
Dear Rebbetzin Fruma:
Am I allowed to have sex with a prostitute?
--Horny at home
Dear Mr. H.:
Is the prostitute Jewish? a) if not, remember as Reb Yossi HaGalili says,
goyim are NOT for practice, see Seder Olam Zuta 13:45, b) if she is
Jewish, and you are not in Israel shame on you for treating a Jewish girl
that way! c) If she is Jewish AND she is Israeli, find a better way to
support the Israeli economy, d) and you find her so attractive, why not
help her and you follow the path of teshuvah and make her your kallah? It
worked in Pretty Woman!
Dear Rebbetzin Fruma:
I recently found a number of CDs in my yeshiva roommates closet. Gwen
Stefani, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Britney Spears... He's also been
wearing pink dress shirts on Shabbat. Should I be concerned?
--Nervous and Confused
Dear Confused:
Your roommate in yeshiva is obviously seeking a kallah. This listening to
music which is by definition Kol Isha, and the wearing of bright colors is
cry for feminine attention. The best thing you can do is get him a
shidduch as soon as possible. At least a few dates with the right girl is
needed here. With the right woman in his life, the secular music and the
bright colors will be replaced with the God-fearing Miami boys choir and
plain white and black, as Moshe Rabeinu wore.
Dear Rebbetzin Fruma:
I have to daven (pray), is it ok to fake it?
--Bored in Shul
Dear Bored in Shil:
Perhaps I can answer your story with a parable as retold from the
Shpatzirer Rov: Once there was a farmer with a cart with only three
wheels. As he would go to market, his cart would wobble, and many ears of
corn or fresh fruits would fall in the mud. His donkey would get
sore on one side from the unequal weight, and the farmer would have to
stop a great deal to pick up fallen fruit. He was always late getting to
and coming home from the market because of these problems. One day, having
lost more fruit than usual, he made so little money he could not buy more
than the very basics for Shabbat.
You are the missing wheel. With
your davening, all the prayers of the Jewish people will be heard, war and
death will come to an end, and the messiah will arrive. But as long as you
keep wanting to fake it, people will continue to suffer and die. I hope
this makes your situation clearer.
Dear Rebbetzin Fruma:
I am a young, single, attractive girl (312-555-1324), who has to walk home
alone after Friday night meals. Is it appropriate to ask the Baal Bayis to
walk me home?
--Desperate in Chicago
Dear Desperate:
Why is a young, single, attractive girl eating out every Friday night?
It's time for you to get married! Until then, I'm afraid asking the
Baal Bayis for a walk home is out of the question. There's a concern
over maris ayin -- what would the neighbors think as they're
snooping out their front windows? Maybe ask your hosts to invite
over single boys who live in the neighborhood, instead.
Dear Rebbetzin Fruma:
After a second date, my latest shidduch is talking all "basheret" this and
"chassenah" that. I like him, but I think he is moving very fast.
Plus he tried to hold my hand when we were on the moving sidewalk at the
airport. On the other hand, he has great middos, wants to go into the
kollel, and has no real physical strength as far as I can tell. Am I just
scared, or does he think I'm a different kind of girl than I really am?
--Confused in Jersey
Dear Confused:
If he has such good middos, why are you so confused? Trust your
local shadchan to know what's good for you, and get married right away.
Just don't let him hold your hand, it could lead to dancing.
Dear Rebbetzin Fruma:
Is it rude to walk out of the sanctuary when the Rabbi is speaking?
--Need to pee
Dear Need to
pee:
Usually, when the Rabbi is talking it is a great opportunity to take a
short nap, especially when you've been on your feet all day Friday getting
ready for Shabbos, oy! But enough about my problems. It's not
rude to walk out on a speech if you have to pee or if your kinderlach
start to scream. In fact, it might be good for the Rabbi to know
that not everyone likes his speeches and maybe he'll work harder at them.
If the Rabbi approaches you about it, confuse him by saying, "Oh, NOW you
want to talk?!" Then walk away.
Dear Rebbetzin Fruma:
My husband and I are thinking about getting a dog for the house. We have
children, so we'd like to know what you think about this idea.
--German Shepherd Lover
Dear GSDL:
A dog?! With the price of day school and kosher food you want to
spend money feeding and caring for a dog? And what if the dog gets sick,
who's going to pay for that, scholarship? Nisht, nayn, nucht, I
don't think this is a good idea. Besides, since when have Jews and
Germans gotten along?
Dear Rebbetzin Fruma:
What the best recipe for chicken soup?
--Bluma
Dear Bluma:
I have a special ingredient in my chicken soup: denture cream.
Squirt about a cup of denture cream (I like Fixodent, but Poligrip is
acceptable too) into boiling water. Then place 3 cut
carrots, 1 large yellow onion, a whole chicken with bones, kishke, salt, pepper
and wasabi and simmer for 2-3 hours covered. Delish, and good for
the dentures, too!
Dear Rebbetzin:
I have to travel every day for 35 minutes to get my children to school, as
I live in the woods. Can you recommend some Jewish car games so they won't
get bored?
--Lost in the Woods
Dear Lost:
I remember we took a road trip last year to Miami Beach with the
kinderlach in the car, and oy, every five minutes they would ask, "Are we
there yet? Are we there yet?" I had to think qvick before I
blew up. Here are my favorite Jewish car games:
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Shul list telephone: Players
list names and telephone numbers of shul members. Whoever can
remember the most names and numbers, wins!
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Rechilus comparison:
Players compare rechilus like a game of memory. If two players
actually heard the same rechilus without variation, both
players win!
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Jewish geography: No,
not the usual "where are you from and who do you know." In this
game, players have to actually name cities in Israel that still belong to
us. Whoever names the most number of cities, wins!
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